Thoughts and Musings

Taking a Moment to Remember

For those of you who don’t know – I have several mental illnesses I’ve been diagnosed with over my years of living. I’ve also been in therapy since I was a young child. I am taking a moment to remember that while I’ve had various therapists over the years, and some good, some bad – there was one from the past few years who made the most impression on me – and she was my most recent one I had been seeing. Her name is Sheri.

The reason I am remembering her today is I was told this morning she has passed away.

 I was as well as am feeling really depressed about this – and crying too – not just for losing a good therapist, but for losing a comrade. She was an wonderfully silly and outspoken person, a self- proclaimed grammar nerd, a Star trek and other wonderful fantasy fan, an avid reader, and as well an awesome, wonderful person. She was funny and an active pagan as well as druid, a member of ADF, and she was so inspirational and encouraging to me. Both when I saw her in therapy and out. It’s so sad to lose such a warm soul, and one of the few local folks I could openly talk to about my practice.

 I wanted to share the loss and explain a bit that I feel strangely up in spirits, despite the depression I know is lingering there. 

Today I’m taking solace by reading up on posts in the community, here, and giving myself time for it to sink in. 

This is as much a post to remember as it is to revel in the sense of connection that talking about being pagan and witch had for the two of us. 

Thank you, Sheri. 

– For all the laughter, the encouragement, the tears, and the joy – for allowing my husband to share in the sessions and for the times we talked alone as well. I appreciate all the affirmations of when I did well and even when I wasn’t – that I could still improve. You were such a positive influence and you reminded me it’s okay to be myself and to allow it to be free, because if I am me and want to be with anyone, it’s my choice to make. And for reminding us both how we were good together, because we know it, even when others can’t see that. 

I will miss our talks. 

– Ciera

Thoughts and Musings

Memories

Those blue shudders on the window panes of the tiny white house tucked away in a side alley in my very vivid memory of the past. That place holds the most dangerous sickness that plagues my worst nightmares – at once, tainted with the rose-colored glasses of my own self-reflection and my own deeply slashing weaknesses as well as fears.

Is it the insanity or the haunting of being given time which was in turn given to pain, for so long, the most in life? I once thought a certain level of pain was acceptable to keep on living. 

A part of me is afraid to let that old self fade away. Yet with the freshness of every day still yet living and survived, there is something to be said for the forgiveness that comes with time. Perhaps not of the others who tried so desperately to force you to live the life they chose for you, but of yourself for being so weak and feeling so helpless. 

“Are you happy now?” They ask. Even as they once destroyed you piece by piece. Was the decision ever yours? It was never mine, yet it was. There is some responsibility. Even if we’re the players in their game, even if we don’t intend to lose. You love them even as you hate them, for calling out your weaknesses, for preying on them, – even as they invoke our strengths, when we’re not ready to give up. 

How it claws and tears through it, when you try to let the pain go. It’s okay to be human anyway. You always were and will be. Don’t let go. But just because yoiu predicted it, doesn’t make it any easier to live with. But I promise and know from experience, love and life are worth it. They are worth fighting for and so are you. 

written by @coffeepinkish

Thoughts and Musings

I am NOT Nothing!

To all who feel alone, depressed, or feel they are nothing:

Say back “I am NOT Nothing!”

As someone who lives with depression and mental illness – who is a survivor of prior suicidal attempts, bullying, and abuse. Let me say the struggles are there, a daily battle, a fight that seems impossible to end or even to win. Forgiving yourself for these things you can’t change – isn’t easy. It’s a tide that ebbs and flows between insecurity and lack of confidence in both yourself and in that things can actually change.

There’s a pressure to be such a way – regardless of what part of society you’re a member of. And, if you don’t fit the mold expected of you-you can often feel like an outcast, a demon, or less then human.

Let me assure you that you are human, no matter what your thoughts or other people even say, because you are a person too. No matter what gender, type, race, religion or lack of, height, weight, appearance, luck or lack of luck, wealthy, poor, or any other of the so-called “factors” that are supposed to express us. 

You are you – practice accepting yourself. Start with one small part – that you like about yourself or want to like, but have been afraid to. Allow yourself that much. Then add on more. Soon you’ll find talents or hobbies you never knew could be so encouraging. Even if only the joys you allow when alone or even with someone trusted. 

A Change will come if you allow it. But it starts with your doing for you. 

Life is a journey and a struggle, but you can live it in a positive way even with all the trials your facing. 

Thoughts and Musings

Crossing a Line

I had to cross a line with my mother earlier this year, to make decisions about my life. I had to fight to have the right to have more, and still am. But it brought about the hard choice to cut my mother out of my life. It’s not something I did easily, and this song made me think of that choice.