Thoughts and Musings

Memories

Those blue shudders on the window panes of the tiny white house tucked away in a side alley in my very vivid memory of the past. That place holds the most dangerous sickness that plagues my worst nightmares – at once, tainted with the rose-colored glasses of my own self-reflection and my own deeply slashing weaknesses as well as fears.

Is it the insanity or the haunting of being given time which was in turn given to pain, for so long, the most in life? I once thought a certain level of pain was acceptable to keep on living. 

A part of me is afraid to let that old self fade away. Yet with the freshness of every day still yet living and survived, there is something to be said for the forgiveness that comes with time. Perhaps not of the others who tried so desperately to force you to live the life they chose for you, but of yourself for being so weak and feeling so helpless. 

“Are you happy now?” They ask. Even as they once destroyed you piece by piece. Was the decision ever yours? It was never mine, yet it was. There is some responsibility. Even if we’re the players in their game, even if we don’t intend to lose. You love them even as you hate them, for calling out your weaknesses, for preying on them, – even as they invoke our strengths, when we’re not ready to give up. 

How it claws and tears through it, when you try to let the pain go. It’s okay to be human anyway. You always were and will be. Don’t let go. But just because yoiu predicted it, doesn’t make it any easier to live with. But I promise and know from experience, love and life are worth it. They are worth fighting for and so are you. 

written by @coffeepinkish

Thoughts and Musings

I am NOT Nothing!

To all who feel alone, depressed, or feel they are nothing:

Say back “I am NOT Nothing!”

As someone who lives with depression and mental illness – who is a survivor of prior suicidal attempts, bullying, and abuse. Let me say the struggles are there, a daily battle, a fight that seems impossible to end or even to win. Forgiving yourself for these things you can’t change – isn’t easy. It’s a tide that ebbs and flows between insecurity and lack of confidence in both yourself and in that things can actually change.

There’s a pressure to be such a way – regardless of what part of society you’re a member of. And, if you don’t fit the mold expected of you-you can often feel like an outcast, a demon, or less then human.

Let me assure you that you are human, no matter what your thoughts or other people even say, because you are a person too. No matter what gender, type, race, religion or lack of, height, weight, appearance, luck or lack of luck, wealthy, poor, or any other of the so-called “factors” that are supposed to express us. 

You are you – practice accepting yourself. Start with one small part – that you like about yourself or want to like, but have been afraid to. Allow yourself that much. Then add on more. Soon you’ll find talents or hobbies you never knew could be so encouraging. Even if only the joys you allow when alone or even with someone trusted. 

A Change will come if you allow it. But it starts with your doing for you. 

Life is a journey and a struggle, but you can live it in a positive way even with all the trials your facing.