Those blue shudders on the window panes of the tiny white house tucked away in a side alley in my very vivid memory of the past. That place holds the most dangerous sickness that plagues my worst nightmares – at once, tainted with the rose-colored glasses of my own self-reflection and my own deeply slashing weaknesses as well as fears.
Is it the insanity or the haunting of being given time which was in turn given to pain, for so long, the most in life? I once thought a certain level of pain was acceptable to keep on living.
A part of me is afraid to let that old self fade away. Yet with the freshness of every day still yet living and survived, there is something to be said for the forgiveness that comes with time. Perhaps not of the others who tried so desperately to force you to live the life they chose for you, but of yourself for being so weak and feeling so helpless.
“Are you happy now?” They ask. Even as they once destroyed you piece by piece. Was the decision ever yours? It was never mine, yet it was. There is some responsibility. Even if we’re the players in their game, even if we don’t intend to lose. You love them even as you hate them, for calling out your weaknesses, for preying on them, – even as they invoke our strengths, when we’re not ready to give up.
How it claws and tears through it, when you try to let the pain go. It’s okay to be human anyway. You always were and will be. Don’t let go. But just because yoiu predicted it, doesn’t make it any easier to live with. But I promise and know from experience, love and life are worth it. They are worth fighting for and so are you.
To all who feel alone, depressed, or feel they are nothing:
Say back “I am NOT Nothing!”
As someone who lives with depression and mental illness – who is a survivor of prior suicidal attempts, bullying, and abuse. Let me say the struggles are there, a daily battle, a fight that seems impossible to end or even to win. Forgiving yourself for these things you can’t change – isn’t easy. It’s a tide that ebbs and flows between insecurity and lack of confidence in both yourself and in that things can actually change.
There’s a pressure to be such a way – regardless of what part of society you’re a member of. And, if you don’t fit the mold expected of you-you can often feel like an outcast, a demon, or less then human.
Let me assure you that you are human, no matter what your thoughts or other people even say, because you are a person too. No matter what gender, type, race, religion or lack of, height, weight, appearance, luck or lack of luck, wealthy, poor, or any other of the so-called “factors” that are supposed to express us.
You are you – practice accepting yourself. Start with one small part – that you like about yourself or want to like, but have been afraid to. Allow yourself that much. Then add on more. Soon you’ll find talents or hobbies you never knew could be so encouraging. Even if only the joys you allow when alone or even with someone trusted.
A Change will come if you allow it. But it starts with your doing for you.
Life is a journey and a struggle, but you can live it in a positive way even with all the trials your facing.
I had to cross a line with my mother earlier this year, to make decisions about my life. I had to fight to have the right to have more, and still am. But it brought about the hard choice to cut my mother out of my life. It’s not something I did easily, and this song made me think of that choice.
How do you define yourself to someone else or even to yourself?
What is a “Book of Shadows?”
In many ways, a book of shadows is whatever a witch wants it to be. A little bit of anything that has meaning to you, can go into a book of shadows. Be it about particular traditions or beliefs, about you as a witch, or everything in between. It can be public or private and doesn’t even have to be a book in the traditional sense. A “BOS’ [Book of shadows = BOS] that exists only on a hard drive, or in a 3 ring binder, is still a “bos”.
If someone says “That’s my book of shadows.” then it is one!
It’s the most personal and varied of the witch tools. It can be organized or chaotic. It’s’ contents can decades old or fresh off the internet.
“There is no right or wrong with a book of shadows,
there’s only what’s right for you. “
The Witch’s Book of Shadows
Author: Jason Mankey
More than any other tool with my altar, my book of shadows represents me. It contains my rituals, my words, the poems I write, or of others that I treasure, and even my blood and tears.
Your book of shadows doesn’t have to look like mine or anyone else’s and doesn’t even have to be a book. It can be written in any language or not contain any language at all. [ a book of pictures works fine too].
I can’t stress enough that is should be personal. I’m sharing things that have worked for me, or are part of my book of shadows. But, they may not work for everybody. Use what you want, and discard the rest. – within reason.