Those blue shudders on the window panes of the tiny white house tucked away in a side alley in my very vivid memory of the past. That place holds the most dangerous sickness that plagues my worst nightmares – at once, tainted with the rose-colored glasses of my own self-reflection and my own deeply slashing weaknesses as well as fears.
Is it the insanity or the haunting of being given time which was in turn given to pain, for so long, the most in life? I once thought a certain level of pain was acceptable to keep on living.
A part of me is afraid to let that old self fade away. Yet with the freshness of every day still yet living and survived, there is something to be said for the forgiveness that comes with time. Perhaps not of the others who tried so desperately to force you to live the life they chose for you, but of yourself for being so weak and feeling so helpless.
“Are you happy now?” They ask. Even as they once destroyed you piece by piece. Was the decision ever yours? It was never mine, yet it was. There is some responsibility. Even if we’re the players in their game, even if we don’t intend to lose. You love them even as you hate them, for calling out your weaknesses, for preying on them, – even as they invoke our strengths, when we’re not ready to give up.
How it claws and tears through it, when you try to let the pain go. It’s okay to be human anyway. You always were and will be. Don’t let go. But just because yoiu predicted it, doesn’t make it any easier to live with. But I promise and know from experience, love and life are worth it. They are worth fighting for and so are you.
written by @coffeepinkish